I really appreciated this. I relate to the exhaustion of constantly translating yourself so you can be more easily understood, softer, more acceptable, less likely to unsettle anyone.
There is such a cost to always reading the room and adjusting yourself to fit it. At some point, you realise that being palatable to everyone can mean becoming unfamiliar to yourself.
I loved the idea that being misunderstood is not always the danger. Sometimes the real danger is the amount of life we spend trying to prevent it. Explaining, softening, clarifying, editing, apologising for having a shape that does not fit someone else’s expectation.
There is something freeing in learning that you do not need to be understood by everyone to be whole. Some people will only ever understand the version of you that keeps them comfortable.
The deeper work is belonging to yourself enough that you stop abandoning your own clarity just to be easier for others to hold.
I’ve always thought I had the superpower of being able to read a room and adjust myself to everyone else. Over the years, I realised I did this because being myself sometimes led to having issues. I was imitating my mother, who is widely liked (and equally fake). I’ve recently found myself exhausted and depressed as a consequence of editing myself to a group of people I have to engage with daily. No matter what I do or say, seem to always have an issue with me. I am extremely tired from thinking a million times before saying anything, from editing my communication, adjusting to them and overanalysing everything I do or say. It’s tiring to try and figure out how to get them to accept me. I’ve realised no matter what I do they’ll just continue to make my life difficult and uncomfortable. And I realised it’s not worth the effort. People like me when I’m myself, for the most part. But also, I prefer myself when I am just being me. And that’s all that matters.
I take great joy in taking over a room and making everyone in it uncomfortable. To me it's hilarious my energy can affect you with just my presence. Usually its laughter that results. I'd rather be memorable for saying or doing something dumb you can laugh about than sinking to the accepted mood.
I have always been incredibly individualistic and I am only becoming more so. Very excited to know my nervous system responds not with fear at rejection or misunderstanding. Thank you for your article, I am certain it has saved many people today.
Steffanie, this is the handshake unwinding in real time. "Likability is usually a mask a negotiation between clarity and safety" that's the performed yes, the edited version we were taught to offer before we're even asked.
You've named what happens when the handshake finally stops trying to be everyone's favourite. The flinch you see isn't failure it's the room registering that you're no longer performing the preferred version. And the quiet thrill isn't rebellion. It's the heartbeat remembering it was never supposed to be for public consumption.
This is exactly what I'm exploring in "The Privatisation of Repair" how the system needs you to keep performing that negotiation, because a woman who stops translating herself for comfort becomes ungovernable in a very specific way and in "Heartbeat, Handshake, Ink, Intention," on the architecture of trust and what happens when the registers stop aligning.
You belong to yourself. Always did. That's not a brand. That's the only infrastructure that was ever real.
I really appreciated this. I relate to the exhaustion of constantly translating yourself so you can be more easily understood, softer, more acceptable, less likely to unsettle anyone.
There is such a cost to always reading the room and adjusting yourself to fit it. At some point, you realise that being palatable to everyone can mean becoming unfamiliar to yourself.
I loved the idea that being misunderstood is not always the danger. Sometimes the real danger is the amount of life we spend trying to prevent it. Explaining, softening, clarifying, editing, apologising for having a shape that does not fit someone else’s expectation.
There is something freeing in learning that you do not need to be understood by everyone to be whole. Some people will only ever understand the version of you that keeps them comfortable.
The deeper work is belonging to yourself enough that you stop abandoning your own clarity just to be easier for others to hold.
Thank you for this. Sharon x
https://substack.com/@sn3haa/note/p-202094204?r=8l0hjg
Very interesting read and I love the typography choice.
Thank you, I’m drowning in my own agreeableness
My first read on this platform and it was worth every second.
Hey everyone please check out my new article. It would mean a lot ✨
I didn’t know how badly I needed to read this
So interesting. Would love to have your feedback on my work ☺️
there’s something deeply peaceful about no longer shape-shifting to fit people’s expectations of you
I’ve always thought I had the superpower of being able to read a room and adjust myself to everyone else. Over the years, I realised I did this because being myself sometimes led to having issues. I was imitating my mother, who is widely liked (and equally fake). I’ve recently found myself exhausted and depressed as a consequence of editing myself to a group of people I have to engage with daily. No matter what I do or say, seem to always have an issue with me. I am extremely tired from thinking a million times before saying anything, from editing my communication, adjusting to them and overanalysing everything I do or say. It’s tiring to try and figure out how to get them to accept me. I’ve realised no matter what I do they’ll just continue to make my life difficult and uncomfortable. And I realised it’s not worth the effort. People like me when I’m myself, for the most part. But also, I prefer myself when I am just being me. And that’s all that matters.
I feel seen
Wow. Reading this felt like you just reached into my head, grabbed what I’ve been thinking and feeling and put it into words
🫶🏼✨
I take great joy in taking over a room and making everyone in it uncomfortable. To me it's hilarious my energy can affect you with just my presence. Usually its laughter that results. I'd rather be memorable for saying or doing something dumb you can laugh about than sinking to the accepted mood.
I have always been incredibly individualistic and I am only becoming more so. Very excited to know my nervous system responds not with fear at rejection or misunderstanding. Thank you for your article, I am certain it has saved many people today.
Steffanie, this is the handshake unwinding in real time. "Likability is usually a mask a negotiation between clarity and safety" that's the performed yes, the edited version we were taught to offer before we're even asked.
You've named what happens when the handshake finally stops trying to be everyone's favourite. The flinch you see isn't failure it's the room registering that you're no longer performing the preferred version. And the quiet thrill isn't rebellion. It's the heartbeat remembering it was never supposed to be for public consumption.
This is exactly what I'm exploring in "The Privatisation of Repair" how the system needs you to keep performing that negotiation, because a woman who stops translating herself for comfort becomes ungovernable in a very specific way and in "Heartbeat, Handshake, Ink, Intention," on the architecture of trust and what happens when the registers stop aligning.
You belong to yourself. Always did. That's not a brand. That's the only infrastructure that was ever real.
You'd be so welcome at Unusual.
https://substack.com/@leenadalal26/note/p-195492612?utm_source=notes-share-action&r=77j4p
The mask comes off. The flinch is the receipt. 🕯️