Sometimes I've described my life as "rearranging the furniture on the Titanic". Some of what you describe sounds like "maturity". I highly recommend aging. The older I get, the happier & more authentic I become. It really is about choices. My friends are I are experiencing letting go of being liked. No longer watering the dead plants in our lives. We have grown comfortable with the word "no". (No explanations required!) I've spent decades looking for myself outside myself. Of course she's always been here, on the inside. Duh! I love your words Stepfanie Tyler. So much wisdom, so young, plus the ability to find the right words -- to articulate. Thank you.
Thanks, Wini, you're too sweet. I love that phrase! I use it all the time when discussing business bc it feels like that's what most people do, unfortunately. I've enjoyed aging so far... choosing to quit drinking and then giving up weed too, has given me so much more clarity. I'm glad I got sober in my mid-30s so I have a lot of time left to enjoy a clearer-headed life (hopefully!)
By the way, I'm currently working on an essay called "'No' is my love language" 😏
This resonates so deeply! I used to be so stuck in this cycle of "getting to know my purpose" hoping that breath work sessions, ayuhasca ceremonies, mediums, sound baths etc etc would give me "the" answer. Until I finally realized I just had to pick 'something', commit to it and actually do the thing :) It is still a challenge at times though.
I’ve been going back to the same unhealthy relationship for two years. I never thought I’d be this person and it was so subtle I hardly realized it was happening. I will admit this is the first time in two years that I understand how my life is more the product of my choices than my trauma. I have spent hours in therapy or on reddit trying to understand my attachment patterns. My opinion as a psychology major is that of course this is worth understanding, but your article shed light on something I didn’t even know I needed to hear - we are who we choose to be. I just want to say thank you Stephanie. I have been wrestling with depression and not been living the life I want to for a long time (which involves much more writing) and I feel inspired. I will save this article to look back on often in 2026.
This comment really moved me, wow. Thank you for sharing this. When I publish pieces, getting 'likes' or 'engagement' is obviously meaningful in some capacity because it shows some form of resonance with an audience, but this—what you just shared—is actually the reason why I write what I write. We have so much control over our own lives, yet many of us unknowingly give that control to others. It's truly liberating to take it back, and recognizing that you *can* is step one. I hope you have a very powerful and abundant 2026!
If that’s been your intention, it’s certainly manifesting :) I hope to read more of your work for years to come and hope some of mine finds your orbit too! ✨
This is such a great piece to read stepping into new year. I really enjoyed your writing style - I was hooked till the end. I loved how you tied everything by writing how to choose more deliberately.
This piece resinates with me at multiple levels. Thanks for writing this!
This beautiful piece resonates a lot within me. I'm on a journey to become a better person and yes i might still have a lot of things I'm choosing because of comfort but after reading this piece I'm motivated to reframe my way of thinking about them and I'm ready to shed those last few pieces of old me. Thank you for writing this.
Comfort is always the easiest "choice", that's why so many of us choose it again and again. Not choosing comfort takes practice, but the good news is, it gets easier the more you do it! :)
I have been thinking about how I would like to go in the new year. I didn't want to go with burden of resolutions. But this feels like the better option of choosing small things everyday to make life more meaningful and achieving what I want.
Resolutions DO often feel like burdens! I prefer getting clear on what I'm trying to achieve and then building the systems I know I'll need to make those things a reality. I hope 2026 is an amazing year for you, Isha!
I needed to read this today. I grew up with abusive parents and, for most of my adult life, I have chosen - prioritized - comfort. In my naivety, I justified doing so because I had already endured a lifetime of pain. The years passed and I stayed the same. Only recently did I realize I was stuck in this cycle of my own creating, and it dawned on me that I need to start self-disciplining in order to make actual change in my life and routines. One of those "easier said than done" things, but as you have noted, it lies in the passive choices. I'm going to keep that top of mind. Thank you.
I'm sorry to hear about the way your parents treated you. No child deserves that. I'm glad to hear you're realizing you have *your own* power now and can use it to build the life you want. We all live in cycles of someone else's making... some are more positive than others, but at some point I do think it becomes *our* choice and the only way to break free from the cycle is to start to choose differently. I wish you the best on your journey ✨
Phenomenal read I have never been fully engaged in a story until I read yours. This is how I’ve been feeling for a couple of years and it makes so much sense now . I feel like I’m about to change my life thank you so much for blessing me with this information
Oh wow, thank you for this kind comment, Ciara. I hope you find whatever you need within yourself to change your life and make it exactly how you want it! ✨
This was beautiful. In the part about getting what you tolerate, I had the thought recently that it seems people with really bad lives (terrible relationships, horrible living situation, awful health caused by their choices, etc) just have a much higher tolerance for long-term discomfort, but a weirdly low tolerance for short-term discomfort. I look at how some people *choose* to live and I think, I could never be okay with that. But that is because I make decisions on a regular basis that cause me short-term discomfort yet get me to where I want to actually be. I think the difference is short-term discomfort can feel sharp, consuming, scary. Long-term discomfort is the devil you know. It may be bad, but it's familiar and doesn't require you to do anything different.
YES 1000000% YES! It's sad to look around and see so many people suffering in the residue of their own poor choices, knowing they could at any moment decide to stop doing one of the myriad negative behaviors that's contributing to their [poor health, bad relationship, etc.] but they choose to continue suffering... because suffering is "easier" even though it's uncomfortable. One thing I've learned over the years is that you have to want it. And some people just... don't (??)
It's kinda awesome to think just how much our unconscious choices play a part in our life. I was able to see it's like full effect when I saw a person who had similar bad times like me, in some aspect but they turned out to be quite toxic. It's quite empowering to think in the way you wrote here, of course, it is uncomfortable, but it's empowering in a weird way. This is the first post of yours I'm reading, and I love the way you write in such a fluid manner❤️❤️
Thanks, Hridya. It's definitely empowering when we realize how much control we have. We can reframe almost anything in our minds, so why not reframe in a way that puts us in the drivers seat? That's not something I got really good at until my early 30s. It took a lot of practice (and really pissed me off at first), but once you get the hang of it, it is wildly liberating!
I recently wrote something about not wanting my life to subtly be guided by fear and this said so much of what I was trying to get at but didn’t fully get to yet. I loved reading this 💕
Before making a choice, we need to be aware of what is true and right for us. To do this, we must first understand ourselves and be willing to sacrifice the outside world for the sake of a very close relationship with ourselves. Against all odds, in spite of everything. The magic question? What am I providing myself with this choice?
Sometimes I've described my life as "rearranging the furniture on the Titanic". Some of what you describe sounds like "maturity". I highly recommend aging. The older I get, the happier & more authentic I become. It really is about choices. My friends are I are experiencing letting go of being liked. No longer watering the dead plants in our lives. We have grown comfortable with the word "no". (No explanations required!) I've spent decades looking for myself outside myself. Of course she's always been here, on the inside. Duh! I love your words Stepfanie Tyler. So much wisdom, so young, plus the ability to find the right words -- to articulate. Thank you.
Thanks, Wini, you're too sweet. I love that phrase! I use it all the time when discussing business bc it feels like that's what most people do, unfortunately. I've enjoyed aging so far... choosing to quit drinking and then giving up weed too, has given me so much more clarity. I'm glad I got sober in my mid-30s so I have a lot of time left to enjoy a clearer-headed life (hopefully!)
By the way, I'm currently working on an essay called "'No' is my love language" 😏
This resonates so deeply! I used to be so stuck in this cycle of "getting to know my purpose" hoping that breath work sessions, ayuhasca ceremonies, mediums, sound baths etc etc would give me "the" answer. Until I finally realized I just had to pick 'something', commit to it and actually do the thing :) It is still a challenge at times though.
I love this, Nathalie.
I’ve been going back to the same unhealthy relationship for two years. I never thought I’d be this person and it was so subtle I hardly realized it was happening. I will admit this is the first time in two years that I understand how my life is more the product of my choices than my trauma. I have spent hours in therapy or on reddit trying to understand my attachment patterns. My opinion as a psychology major is that of course this is worth understanding, but your article shed light on something I didn’t even know I needed to hear - we are who we choose to be. I just want to say thank you Stephanie. I have been wrestling with depression and not been living the life I want to for a long time (which involves much more writing) and I feel inspired. I will save this article to look back on often in 2026.
This comment really moved me, wow. Thank you for sharing this. When I publish pieces, getting 'likes' or 'engagement' is obviously meaningful in some capacity because it shows some form of resonance with an audience, but this—what you just shared—is actually the reason why I write what I write. We have so much control over our own lives, yet many of us unknowingly give that control to others. It's truly liberating to take it back, and recognizing that you *can* is step one. I hope you have a very powerful and abundant 2026!
If that’s been your intention, it’s certainly manifesting :) I hope to read more of your work for years to come and hope some of mine finds your orbit too! ✨
This is such a great piece to read stepping into new year. I really enjoyed your writing style - I was hooked till the end. I loved how you tied everything by writing how to choose more deliberately.
This piece resinates with me at multiple levels. Thanks for writing this!
I'm glad to hear it resonated, Avishi. I hope you have a deliberate and fruitful 2026! :)
Beautiful. Saved me a month of therapy and a great way to close out 2025. Thank you
Oh wow, so happy to hear that. I hope 2025 ends on a high note for you, Melody.
This beautiful piece resonates a lot within me. I'm on a journey to become a better person and yes i might still have a lot of things I'm choosing because of comfort but after reading this piece I'm motivated to reframe my way of thinking about them and I'm ready to shed those last few pieces of old me. Thank you for writing this.
Comfort is always the easiest "choice", that's why so many of us choose it again and again. Not choosing comfort takes practice, but the good news is, it gets easier the more you do it! :)
I have been thinking about how I would like to go in the new year. I didn't want to go with burden of resolutions. But this feels like the better option of choosing small things everyday to make life more meaningful and achieving what I want.
Loved the way you have written this. Thanks.
Resolutions DO often feel like burdens! I prefer getting clear on what I'm trying to achieve and then building the systems I know I'll need to make those things a reality. I hope 2026 is an amazing year for you, Isha!
That's the approach that actually works I think. Thanks. Hope the same for you too.
I needed to read this today. I grew up with abusive parents and, for most of my adult life, I have chosen - prioritized - comfort. In my naivety, I justified doing so because I had already endured a lifetime of pain. The years passed and I stayed the same. Only recently did I realize I was stuck in this cycle of my own creating, and it dawned on me that I need to start self-disciplining in order to make actual change in my life and routines. One of those "easier said than done" things, but as you have noted, it lies in the passive choices. I'm going to keep that top of mind. Thank you.
I'm sorry to hear about the way your parents treated you. No child deserves that. I'm glad to hear you're realizing you have *your own* power now and can use it to build the life you want. We all live in cycles of someone else's making... some are more positive than others, but at some point I do think it becomes *our* choice and the only way to break free from the cycle is to start to choose differently. I wish you the best on your journey ✨
Phenomenal read I have never been fully engaged in a story until I read yours. This is how I’ve been feeling for a couple of years and it makes so much sense now . I feel like I’m about to change my life thank you so much for blessing me with this information
Oh wow, thank you for this kind comment, Ciara. I hope you find whatever you need within yourself to change your life and make it exactly how you want it! ✨
This was beautiful. In the part about getting what you tolerate, I had the thought recently that it seems people with really bad lives (terrible relationships, horrible living situation, awful health caused by their choices, etc) just have a much higher tolerance for long-term discomfort, but a weirdly low tolerance for short-term discomfort. I look at how some people *choose* to live and I think, I could never be okay with that. But that is because I make decisions on a regular basis that cause me short-term discomfort yet get me to where I want to actually be. I think the difference is short-term discomfort can feel sharp, consuming, scary. Long-term discomfort is the devil you know. It may be bad, but it's familiar and doesn't require you to do anything different.
YES 1000000% YES! It's sad to look around and see so many people suffering in the residue of their own poor choices, knowing they could at any moment decide to stop doing one of the myriad negative behaviors that's contributing to their [poor health, bad relationship, etc.] but they choose to continue suffering... because suffering is "easier" even though it's uncomfortable. One thing I've learned over the years is that you have to want it. And some people just... don't (??)
It's kinda awesome to think just how much our unconscious choices play a part in our life. I was able to see it's like full effect when I saw a person who had similar bad times like me, in some aspect but they turned out to be quite toxic. It's quite empowering to think in the way you wrote here, of course, it is uncomfortable, but it's empowering in a weird way. This is the first post of yours I'm reading, and I love the way you write in such a fluid manner❤️❤️
Thanks, Hridya. It's definitely empowering when we realize how much control we have. We can reframe almost anything in our minds, so why not reframe in a way that puts us in the drivers seat? That's not something I got really good at until my early 30s. It took a lot of practice (and really pissed me off at first), but once you get the hang of it, it is wildly liberating!
this article was so refreshing. one of the best i’ve read on here in a while. go you. and thank you.
Oh wow, glad it resonated so deeply. Thanks, maya.
Rlly needed this. Thank youu🫶🏾
🫶
This, right here, is the reason why I keep coming back to Substack.
Oh wow, thanks Rashmi 🫶
I recently wrote something about not wanting my life to subtly be guided by fear and this said so much of what I was trying to get at but didn’t fully get to yet. I loved reading this 💕
Fear has a way of tricking us into making ourselves smaller, doesn't it... glad to hear this resonated with you, Kiana. Here's to fearlessness! ✨
Before making a choice, we need to be aware of what is true and right for us. To do this, we must first understand ourselves and be willing to sacrifice the outside world for the sake of a very close relationship with ourselves. Against all odds, in spite of everything. The magic question? What am I providing myself with this choice?
That is a crucial question!